Ramblings of the lonely

What do I have to give?
What do I have to offer?
I don't have money;
I think I have love to give;
I don't have a career;
I don't have zip.
Where do I stand?
I'm viewed as an outcast by so many ;
Viewed as not fitting the norm;
Viewed as fat and ugly;
Viewed as worthless.
Someone who is doing something amazing but at the same time considered lower class and not worthy of love, companionship or caring. 
It's so very lonely and at times so alone. 
No one to turn to and tell them how I truly feel or what's going on in my mind. 
If I do I often get shouted down and told to grow up and be comfortable on my own because that's what life is.
I don't feel I can be honest about what I feel.
I'm always the one to make plans, to travel the distance, to make an effort. 
Always the one to call or initiate contact or make things happen.
Why do I bother?
Should I just continue on alone?
I do that anyway and keep motoring on but no one bothers to even check in and ask how I am! 
The people who are supposedly my friends.
Is this what it should be like?

Friends who inspire

My friend J sent me an amazing message tonight...it made me cry...

"You are an amazing friend/guy. you have strength and conviction and a heart of gold. And you are a man to be respected and admired and an inspiration of commitment and sacrifice."

Searching for love!!

So nearly twelve months ago I made a decision that changed my life forever.  I left my secure and well known employment of twelve months to being a new challenge and adventure.  That of being a foster parent (kinship carer) and uncle to my nephew. 

This change has been amazingly full on and at times has pushed right to the edge of almost running away for good.

Most recently a close friend of mine, in fact the friend who saved my life, said to me, you realise these changes are forever and you are now a parent to your nephew.  You're going to be their role model, their support, and the person they rely on for their basic needs.  My friend went on to tell me that I need to realise that any relationship I have requires that person to be willing to come on this journey with me. At this stage my jaw dropped and I truly did realise the life changing impact this decision I made last September had.

WOW!! Although I'd already experienced rejection by many guys because I have a child in my care not to mention a child with high needs.  This really cemented for me that it's possible my decision and change in life means i might be single forever!! Fark!! Scary stuff...that's for sure!!

But that said I life in hope that eventually I will meet the right guy to join me on this journey. Who knows?  I just need to put it out there to the universe that I'm looking for a guy with many awesome characteristics the most of be willing to share a journey with me caring for my beautiful nephew!

What I need right now is: Patience, Love, Understanding and Compassion!!

Changing status

So after a bit of thought I've decided to make this blog totally private and only readers who I allow will have access to the blog.

Is there a secret???

So today I'm having breakfast this morning at my local cafe reading a book called How to Talk to Anyone...then this totally random though pops into my head..."What is the secret to a true long term relationship??"  I though I knew many things about relationships but coming out the end of this most recent relationship I realise I know very little about how to make a relationship last beyond that first few months of total infatuation and engagement with each other. 

After the initial few weeks/months...how do you keep that spark alive?  One train of thought is well...have an open relationship.  I can't express how much this goes against my values but at the same time the thought did cross my mind in this most recent experience.

I think though communication overrides absolutely everything and well...I think I failed miserably at that...although not for want of trying.  But communication and people are my downfall at times if not always.  This is something that I'm working on regularly.


But it still doesn't answer my question about is there a secret?  I see many people in love and happy in there relationship after one year, five years, ten year and even sixty or seventy years!!  It makes me wander is there a secret or is it the chemistry, meeting the exact right person or...who knows.

I'm not expecting an answer but I just want to put it out there to the universe!!

how inappropriate - that's not Top News Facebook!!

Sometimes Facebook is so inappropriate...so I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago.  We stopped sharing an apartment and moved out three weeks ago this Friday and finally handed the lease over two weeks ago tomorrow.  Facebook doesn't realise this even though you tell it that you're no longer in a relationship with the person but they're still you're friend.  So right that at the top of Top News posts tonight was...having dinner at XXXX's with a special someone!!

I was like, what the!!! This isn't top news so I politely tell Facebook please hide this post to which is does only to then have the post reappear next time I log in.  So short of de-friending (if there is such a word) my ex I'm left with no option but to not have their posts appear in my news feed.

So tonight I'm a little upset that he would move on quickly even through I suspected it would happen.  I don't want to be angry at him and I don't want to be upset. But perhaps I need to go through this pain so I can move on.  Stuffed if I know.

Perhaps there's someone out there in blog land who might stumble across my blog and offer some helpful advice.  *sigh*

So where to from here.  I continue on with my life...continue on growing, becoming stronger, happier and healthier...continue becoming more confident, personable and friendly to myself and to those around me.  Finally being more gracious, thankful and compassionate in all that I do.

So thank you for this day.  Thank you for the lovely sunshine, the food I have to eat, and a roof over my head.  Thank for laughter, joy and happiness.  Thank you for new friendships, passing interests and new adventures.

Time for sleep now.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning!

feeling exhausted

WOW!! I feel like i've done a million things this weekend...even though in fact i've done really little.  I was quite disappointed yesterday when i hopped on the scales and they popped back a horrid figure of 95kgs!!!!! I was like what the!!! I've been working so hard and trying to eat right and that... my clothes are starting to feel looser but yet i'm still 95kg!!! I'm shocked, disappointed and somewhat lost for words.

But...you know on reflection I need to move forward...so I've started cooking healthy meals this weekend...to store for later in the week when I get tired...tomorrow I start back on my good ol' long black coffees and I start measuring my cereal in the morning and being strict about my what I'm putting I'm eating and drinking...and I need to get that fourth exercise session happening!  It's a struggle and I know the exhaustion is linked to the amount of exercise and healthy food I'm having.  So all in all, I'm getting there slowly.  but I've got 106 days to get back on track and sorted in time for my amazing journey to becoming a personal trainer. 

My goal in being a personal trainer is to inspire and encourage others on their journey.  To beat the obstacles and bound over the hurdles and achieve things beyond their wildest dreams!! 

 I've been giving some thought to a name and I've considered Empower Personal Training! But there's quite a few businesses out there with that name.  I don't know whether they fully understand what it is to empower people though!  So back to the drawing board on that one.  I'm sure the right name will come at the right time! :-)

Anyway nearly time for bed!