Ramblings of the lonely

What do I have to give?
What do I have to offer?
I don't have money;
I think I have love to give;
I don't have a career;
I don't have zip.
Where do I stand?
I'm viewed as an outcast by so many ;
Viewed as not fitting the norm;
Viewed as fat and ugly;
Viewed as worthless.
Someone who is doing something amazing but at the same time considered lower class and not worthy of love, companionship or caring. 
It's so very lonely and at times so alone. 
No one to turn to and tell them how I truly feel or what's going on in my mind. 
If I do I often get shouted down and told to grow up and be comfortable on my own because that's what life is.
I don't feel I can be honest about what I feel.
I'm always the one to make plans, to travel the distance, to make an effort. 
Always the one to call or initiate contact or make things happen.
Why do I bother?
Should I just continue on alone?
I do that anyway and keep motoring on but no one bothers to even check in and ask how I am! 
The people who are supposedly my friends.
Is this what it should be like?

Friends who inspire

My friend J sent me an amazing message tonight...it made me cry...

"You are an amazing friend/guy. you have strength and conviction and a heart of gold. And you are a man to be respected and admired and an inspiration of commitment and sacrifice."

Searching for love!!

So nearly twelve months ago I made a decision that changed my life forever.  I left my secure and well known employment of twelve months to being a new challenge and adventure.  That of being a foster parent (kinship carer) and uncle to my nephew. 

This change has been amazingly full on and at times has pushed right to the edge of almost running away for good.

Most recently a close friend of mine, in fact the friend who saved my life, said to me, you realise these changes are forever and you are now a parent to your nephew.  You're going to be their role model, their support, and the person they rely on for their basic needs.  My friend went on to tell me that I need to realise that any relationship I have requires that person to be willing to come on this journey with me. At this stage my jaw dropped and I truly did realise the life changing impact this decision I made last September had.

WOW!! Although I'd already experienced rejection by many guys because I have a child in my care not to mention a child with high needs.  This really cemented for me that it's possible my decision and change in life means i might be single forever!! Fark!! Scary stuff...that's for sure!!

But that said I life in hope that eventually I will meet the right guy to join me on this journey. Who knows?  I just need to put it out there to the universe that I'm looking for a guy with many awesome characteristics the most of be willing to share a journey with me caring for my beautiful nephew!

What I need right now is: Patience, Love, Understanding and Compassion!!

Changing status

So after a bit of thought I've decided to make this blog totally private and only readers who I allow will have access to the blog.

Is there a secret???

So today I'm having breakfast this morning at my local cafe reading a book called How to Talk to Anyone...then this totally random though pops into my head..."What is the secret to a true long term relationship??"  I though I knew many things about relationships but coming out the end of this most recent relationship I realise I know very little about how to make a relationship last beyond that first few months of total infatuation and engagement with each other. 

After the initial few weeks/months...how do you keep that spark alive?  One train of thought is well...have an open relationship.  I can't express how much this goes against my values but at the same time the thought did cross my mind in this most recent experience.

I think though communication overrides absolutely everything and well...I think I failed miserably at that...although not for want of trying.  But communication and people are my downfall at times if not always.  This is something that I'm working on regularly.


But it still doesn't answer my question about is there a secret?  I see many people in love and happy in there relationship after one year, five years, ten year and even sixty or seventy years!!  It makes me wander is there a secret or is it the chemistry, meeting the exact right person or...who knows.

I'm not expecting an answer but I just want to put it out there to the universe!!

how inappropriate - that's not Top News Facebook!!

Sometimes Facebook is so inappropriate...so I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago.  We stopped sharing an apartment and moved out three weeks ago this Friday and finally handed the lease over two weeks ago tomorrow.  Facebook doesn't realise this even though you tell it that you're no longer in a relationship with the person but they're still you're friend.  So right that at the top of Top News posts tonight was...having dinner at XXXX's with a special someone!!

I was like, what the!!! This isn't top news so I politely tell Facebook please hide this post to which is does only to then have the post reappear next time I log in.  So short of de-friending (if there is such a word) my ex I'm left with no option but to not have their posts appear in my news feed.

So tonight I'm a little upset that he would move on quickly even through I suspected it would happen.  I don't want to be angry at him and I don't want to be upset. But perhaps I need to go through this pain so I can move on.  Stuffed if I know.

Perhaps there's someone out there in blog land who might stumble across my blog and offer some helpful advice.  *sigh*

So where to from here.  I continue on with my life...continue on growing, becoming stronger, happier and healthier...continue becoming more confident, personable and friendly to myself and to those around me.  Finally being more gracious, thankful and compassionate in all that I do.

So thank you for this day.  Thank you for the lovely sunshine, the food I have to eat, and a roof over my head.  Thank for laughter, joy and happiness.  Thank you for new friendships, passing interests and new adventures.

Time for sleep now.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning!

feeling exhausted

WOW!! I feel like i've done a million things this weekend...even though in fact i've done really little.  I was quite disappointed yesterday when i hopped on the scales and they popped back a horrid figure of 95kgs!!!!! I was like what the!!! I've been working so hard and trying to eat right and that... my clothes are starting to feel looser but yet i'm still 95kg!!! I'm shocked, disappointed and somewhat lost for words.

But...you know on reflection I need to move forward...so I've started cooking healthy meals this weekend...to store for later in the week when I get tired...tomorrow I start back on my good ol' long black coffees and I start measuring my cereal in the morning and being strict about my what I'm putting I'm eating and drinking...and I need to get that fourth exercise session happening!  It's a struggle and I know the exhaustion is linked to the amount of exercise and healthy food I'm having.  So all in all, I'm getting there slowly.  but I've got 106 days to get back on track and sorted in time for my amazing journey to becoming a personal trainer. 

My goal in being a personal trainer is to inspire and encourage others on their journey.  To beat the obstacles and bound over the hurdles and achieve things beyond their wildest dreams!! 

 I've been giving some thought to a name and I've considered Empower Personal Training! But there's quite a few businesses out there with that name.  I don't know whether they fully understand what it is to empower people though!  So back to the drawing board on that one.  I'm sure the right name will come at the right time! :-)

Anyway nearly time for bed!

 

monday

So Monday...busy day...so much happening at work...but i managed to sort out the problems that I faced at the end of last week and move forward from them.  Apparently though my view of the situation  was slightly different to the view of the other person's. But not to worry, I've set the precedent for the way forward and *fingers crossed* as we're moving in the next week or so, I'll hopefully not have to sit next to the person. Yahoo!  I'm so grateful that things turned out ok!

So what else happened...did a group class tonight...only four of us. My friend G was unwell which is not good...hopefully she's better next week.  I know she did enjoy it.  I'm hoping that once I get my qualifications I'll be in a position to run a few classes like this.  It will certainly help with cashflow, that's for sure...saving for my o'seas trip....going to Japan next March and then hopefully in late 2011 / early 2012 off to Europe and the UK for a little bit.

So now have had dinner and waiting for the washing to finish so i've got pants to wear to work and A's jacket is clean to wear to work.  So looking forward to sleep tonight as I've got a big day tomorrow.

Well the machine's just beeped...so it's bye from me for now!

Making a change

So I'm going on holidays for nine weeks from 13 September 2010.  Now this isn't just any holiday...I'm actually going to studying full time for eight of the nine weeks that i'll be off work.  I'm excited but at the same time a litte scared but I know this is the right thing to do.

I've lost in excess of 70 kg over the last few years and I want to give back some of what I've been given and one way I believe I can do this is to assist and guide people in becoming empowered to make a change in their life for the good! 

So 120 days to go...or approx 80 working days until that exciting new adventure begins :-)

a uhah moment!

So here I am again...at a cross roads...no sure where it will or will not lead... I've been dealing with some changes at work...although they may seem minor to most, I'm struggling with this! But on Friday I had somewhat of an uhah moment! I realised that in all of this I failed to hold the mirror up to myself ad examine my behaviour, my reactions, action and attitude.

So it's been a little scary doing this but i found that my compassion and respect has been lacking for some people in some situations.  This is not unfamiliar territory to me...I've been here before and made it through the other side. I realise I have little respect for the person or their position and this is what I struggle with.  I'm seeking support and advice and I've got some serious reading to do...I've found this is the best way to seek ways to approach this. I intend to do some things to increase my personal abilities in this area as i don't think this is the last time I have to deal with situations such as this.

So my goals I want to move forward with in a broad context:

• Demonstrate respect, compassion and patience to all people!
• Spend time being gracious for each and every thing every day!
• Spend more time expending energy and increasing endorphin and serotonin production, by regularly exercising!
• Finally spend time writing, reflecting and blogging!

Well that's it for now!

WOW!

WOW! that's the first words out of my mouth right now...I just read my last post and Wow...so much has happened...I met a wonderful loving guy...someone who feel absolutely head over heels for me...meanwhile I was rather cautious...stood back...and at first resistant to his advances. So we had already met when I'd sent my last post...we met in late January/early February and well at the end of March we made things official to our friends etc...So the next three months flew by spending some fantastic fabulous times with friends...even some mutual friends in fact...it was awesome and really beautiful...sadly though...last week we broke up...decided to end our relationship.

So our paths have parted and although I have remained a strong person initially, i'm finding things a little tough this past week...just getting used to the idea of continuing my journey without somebody by my side...but at the same time I'm joyous and happy that I've had that opportunity to spendtime with someone so fantastic fabulous and totally beautiful. WOW it's been good.

In my reflection though I've discovered that I've still much to learn about myself and how much I need to grow through life...learning about the things I will compromise on and the things that I absolutely won't compromise on as well as how i react to various situations and circumstances...

So here I am off on a new adventure, a new journey, a new beginning...where this road leads or what is around the corner I don't know but it will be fun and exciting, filled with lots of new experiences, new people and most of all many familiar friendly faces.

That's all for now...until next time

right now...here...

so i'm sitting here this morning...just finished my liquid breakfast of a banana and berry protein shake...home made of course...and i'm reflecting on my weekend...I had a great time with some fantastic people on Friday and Saturday night but on Sunday and Monday i've discovered a part of me that's still bitter and angry...is it bitter and angry at everyone elses happiness and freedom...that's what it looks like sometimes...bitter and angry that other can have wonderful relationships and friendships...I believe I have some wonderful beautiful people in my life...but I truly do yearn for that closeness of a soul mate...someone who believes in me and who I am...someone who I believe in...someone who I just click with and enjoy the talkative and quiet moments with...the happy and sad...the upset and excited.

So I head off to another day and I understand that I need to do so much more with myself...I have so much more to learn to be a person...to be more compassionate, kind and loving.

2008...reflections

so....i just looked at my last post...nearly three months ago...so much has happened...so much has been...christmas has been celebrated...2008 has been bid farewell and 2009 has truly begun and very much swung into action...but before writing about that...2008...my reflections...last year i spent the first six months in nearly total isolation from people and from things...my goal being to lose a significant amount of weight and with that sort through some of the stuff going through my head...which is soon very much realised yet again has a significant impact on the amount of weight that is carried to protect oneself...so 10 kgs later i attended my sisters wedding in Cairns...needless to say it was great...it was awesome to catch up with so many people as well as wear a suit for the first time in over 16 years! On top of that it was probably close to 18 years since I'd been below 100kg in body weight.

So the second half of the year saw many things happen including meeting some beautiful sweet guys from many different parts of the country...I went on my first date in over 3 years...and i finally started to begin to consider sharing my life with people...friendships started blossoming and blooming...I met new people...found a confidence within. the weight loss has continued and I started the Think Slim package through my personal training company...and one of the biggest things I learnt is gratitude...to be thankful for each and every thing every day...no matter how big or how small. I also learnt and continue to learn about acceptance...acceptance...not as per my previous post about the acceptance and approval of other but that the true acceptance and approval of me needs to come truly from me from within a deep part of me that i'd not really venture before and well when i do it's amazing the person i find...the person i truly show and become...

But back to gratitude...I am most grateful and ever thankful for all the truly wonderful and beautiful things of 2008...for the big and small things...for those ahah moments..for the beautiful people...for the new and old people who i've shared part of the journey with in the past twelve months... I say thank you to all that has been given...each opportunity and experience i had...for the lessons learnt and understanding gleaned...i am ever grateful :-)

So 2008 is now over and past and it's time to turn to 2009 and look what is holds...

why is it so

so i've started the think slim package and program in conjunction with succeed...it's a twelve week program...i've started listening to the mp4 player and doing the physical stuff...next week i see the life coach...i'm already realising that i've come so far on my journey but there's still things i need to deal with that i thought i'd dealt with...

1. acceptance by and approval of others
2. being at peace and content within myself.

sometimes i wander if i'll ever get it right...i hope one day i do

music...

....is so enriching
....is so encouraging
....is so exciting
....is so enthralling
....is so enrapturing
....can change the mood in room in a flash of a moment
....gives me hope that everything will be good
....uplifts my spirit and soul
....gives me happiness

zooming along through life...sometimes i forget to stop and smell the roses or slow down a little...so that's what i'm doing this weekend...stopping for a moment and smelling the roses and enjoying the scenery...my goals and affirmations for this second half of the year are half complete and well...we're already half way through...what's happened...it's nearly two months to my birthday too...which means two months and one week to Christmas!!!!!! AGGGHHHHH!

Anyway was thinking recently about how our lives criss cross with so many others...i believe this happens for a one of many reasons...sometimes those people stick with us for just a moment to teach us or help us learn something or sometimes for a season to help us grow and others are there for a lifetime...i've found some lifetime friends have had many reason and season ones...i'm hopeful one day i'll find that special lifetime friend...the one who i share a connection that is more than just a friendship.

But in the meantime life does go on but this weekend i'm just going to hit pause for a moment...take stock...reaffirm my direction and focus.

moving on...

sometimes in life i've ignored the fact that it's time to move but i'm realising now it's time to continue on with my life...continue on the journey that is ahead...if our paths cross again well then so be it...if not well then what has been has been and oh boy it was great...it was good...it was grand...i learnt so much about me and have grown all the better for it...but i'll be here for now...and a small part of me hopes that one day soon you'll show up again...but for now i'm continuing on with all that's in store for me...

I am truly grateful for meeting you and sharing this journey for but a short time and here's to hoping that somewhere our paths will intertwine again

Safe journey my friend

B :-)
xoxo

A private talk on honesty

Over the past week or so I've been re-reading bits of a book that was used in the Avatar Resurfacing course I did three years ago. The book is called Living Deliberately by Harry Palmer. I got to the chapter titled A Private Talk On Honesty...and well I thought this is going to be interesting because the last time I read this it didn't really make sense...but this time it oh so made sense.

In this chapter it says, "Being honest is really a question of courage - courage enough to face what we fear. This gets lost in the smoke screen of deceptions that is used to justify dishonest. Whenever we accept that there is good reason to be dishonest, we increase the evidence for fearing what we are avoiding."

I contemplated this for a moment and realised that in some parts of my life particularly around relationships I aren't always courageous enough to be honest because of my fear of rejection of not being good enough for this person...

The book then goes onto say,"Fear is a BELIEF in our inadequacy to deal with something. And that belief precedes any evidence of failure we have collected."

So the time has come for me to take courage to face my fear/s...to sort that belief out and remove it from my life...and be the person with the courage to be honest and true to myself. The book then goes onto say that as you become honest with yourself...your honesty with others will naturally flow on.

This makes so much sense now than what it did three years ago...another WOW moment for me...so i face this journey head on and looking ever forward.

the last paragraph says..."The result of living honestly is feeling and sharing - compassion and empathy! .... Relationships develop that are rewarding and provide a measure of security that no amount of money, power or fame can provide. Valid trust arises."

reflecting.

so lately i've been writing things in a paper journal...emptying the vessel in my head and clearing my thoughts...therefore i haven't written here much...so here's one reflection....

A journey of love, beauty, compassion and tendernesss.
A giving of gratitude and thanks for,
All that has been,
All that is now, and
All that is to be in the future.
All that is to be uncovered and explored on the road ahead.

i read this as a status on facebook

...it is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all. Even if only to know now what love is...

interesting concept...i've loved those around me who are special but i don't think i've experienced the love that is being referred to here.

I'm positive that I will in time :-)

Any thoughts...comments?