why is it so

so i've started the think slim package and program in conjunction with succeed...it's a twelve week program...i've started listening to the mp4 player and doing the physical stuff...next week i see the life coach...i'm already realising that i've come so far on my journey but there's still things i need to deal with that i thought i'd dealt with...

1. acceptance by and approval of others
2. being at peace and content within myself.

sometimes i wander if i'll ever get it right...i hope one day i do

music...

....is so enriching
....is so encouraging
....is so exciting
....is so enthralling
....is so enrapturing
....can change the mood in room in a flash of a moment
....gives me hope that everything will be good
....uplifts my spirit and soul
....gives me happiness

zooming along through life...sometimes i forget to stop and smell the roses or slow down a little...so that's what i'm doing this weekend...stopping for a moment and smelling the roses and enjoying the scenery...my goals and affirmations for this second half of the year are half complete and well...we're already half way through...what's happened...it's nearly two months to my birthday too...which means two months and one week to Christmas!!!!!! AGGGHHHHH!

Anyway was thinking recently about how our lives criss cross with so many others...i believe this happens for a one of many reasons...sometimes those people stick with us for just a moment to teach us or help us learn something or sometimes for a season to help us grow and others are there for a lifetime...i've found some lifetime friends have had many reason and season ones...i'm hopeful one day i'll find that special lifetime friend...the one who i share a connection that is more than just a friendship.

But in the meantime life does go on but this weekend i'm just going to hit pause for a moment...take stock...reaffirm my direction and focus.

moving on...

sometimes in life i've ignored the fact that it's time to move but i'm realising now it's time to continue on with my life...continue on the journey that is ahead...if our paths cross again well then so be it...if not well then what has been has been and oh boy it was great...it was good...it was grand...i learnt so much about me and have grown all the better for it...but i'll be here for now...and a small part of me hopes that one day soon you'll show up again...but for now i'm continuing on with all that's in store for me...

I am truly grateful for meeting you and sharing this journey for but a short time and here's to hoping that somewhere our paths will intertwine again

Safe journey my friend

B :-)
xoxo

A private talk on honesty

Over the past week or so I've been re-reading bits of a book that was used in the Avatar Resurfacing course I did three years ago. The book is called Living Deliberately by Harry Palmer. I got to the chapter titled A Private Talk On Honesty...and well I thought this is going to be interesting because the last time I read this it didn't really make sense...but this time it oh so made sense.

In this chapter it says, "Being honest is really a question of courage - courage enough to face what we fear. This gets lost in the smoke screen of deceptions that is used to justify dishonest. Whenever we accept that there is good reason to be dishonest, we increase the evidence for fearing what we are avoiding."

I contemplated this for a moment and realised that in some parts of my life particularly around relationships I aren't always courageous enough to be honest because of my fear of rejection of not being good enough for this person...

The book then goes onto say,"Fear is a BELIEF in our inadequacy to deal with something. And that belief precedes any evidence of failure we have collected."

So the time has come for me to take courage to face my fear/s...to sort that belief out and remove it from my life...and be the person with the courage to be honest and true to myself. The book then goes onto say that as you become honest with yourself...your honesty with others will naturally flow on.

This makes so much sense now than what it did three years ago...another WOW moment for me...so i face this journey head on and looking ever forward.

the last paragraph says..."The result of living honestly is feeling and sharing - compassion and empathy! .... Relationships develop that are rewarding and provide a measure of security that no amount of money, power or fame can provide. Valid trust arises."

reflecting.

so lately i've been writing things in a paper journal...emptying the vessel in my head and clearing my thoughts...therefore i haven't written here much...so here's one reflection....

A journey of love, beauty, compassion and tendernesss.
A giving of gratitude and thanks for,
All that has been,
All that is now, and
All that is to be in the future.
All that is to be uncovered and explored on the road ahead.

i read this as a status on facebook

...it is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all. Even if only to know now what love is...

interesting concept...i've loved those around me who are special but i don't think i've experienced the love that is being referred to here.

I'm positive that I will in time :-)

Any thoughts...comments?

no expectations...what does it mean?

For some time now I've been contemplating the whole meaning of no expectations...particularly since coming back from my sister's wedding and experiencing meeting and dating guys again...this topic has always been one to confuse me somewhat but also been one i thought i could deal with. Let me tell you it's been a rough road but today i got one step closer to fully grasping and understanding the concept....I was watching a movie...Love Actually...yes I love a romantic movie...but anyway in one particular scene where the best man (from the wedding at the beginning of the movie) is telling his friend's wife how much he loves her by holding up pieces of cardboard....on one card he uses the following words "...Just for now without any agenda or hope I say..."

those were the word that made the penny drop...i madly messaged my friend and told her my thoughts in relation to this and how this summarised no expectations. Her response was...and enjoying the moment for what it is. Don't analyse just be in the moment completely. So I'm getting to grips with this and I'm confident this will help assist in improving my relationships and friendships as things go along.

I am in the process of creating an affirmation to help me reinforce this in my life.

dating again after three years

well finally some say...i say well yes I'm ready now...after three years of refusing to wishing to but choosing not to even envisage the thought of going on a date or meeting someone along those lines...i've taken the plunge...well i about a month. I went on a date. It was something simple...nothing fancy but oh boy was I nervous...he came round here to my place and we went for some chinese takeaway then watched a couple of tv episodes of a mutually favourite U.S. tv show...I was soooo nervous...my mouth was dry...I didn't know what to say or how to react...I kept on saying to myself just relax chill and enjoy the company...anyway the evening ended...i did enjoy myself except for the nerves.

Following on from this experience i spoke with some friends about my rather nervous experience...and well their response was yes...that's normal...just go with it...relax and enjoy the moment...it does goes better as time goes on.

So move onto date number 2...quite an unexpected event...I was out the other week with some friends having a dance at a local club when a particular young guy caught my eye and well I caught his...It would seem every moment I looked at him he was staring right back at me...anyway after a few casual smiles as he walked past for what felt like the tenth time...he tapped me on the shoulder and said "hello". Turns out he's a nice lad...we've met up a few times since then and each time i do get less nervous.

So who knows where this might lead...my confidence and faith in my ability to meet new people is coming back...slowly but surely. So now that this lesson is learnt it's now onto the next one about patience, enjoying the moment for what it is, patience, calm, patience and well patience.

:-)

the journey continues

I continue on through my journey in life...one day at a time, one step at a time. No expectations of what each interaction or encounter may bring. This is something I really really struggle with...I have to learn to just enjoy the journey and all that it and the people I meet have to offer.

So I sit I write and type in an attempt to offload the crazy and random thoughts that my mind creates.

WOW!!!

OMG! Catching the eye of one guy...Hot cute totally adorable...something I've not really experienced before. Scary but at the same enticing...I will just go with it, enjoy, experience, have fun and see where this path leads........more to come soon....

sometimes...

I don't know what to say...don't know how to react, what to do or even what emotion to have. For me it's sometimes confusing when people carry on one way but then seconds later are entirely someone else. I believe strongly in being true to oneself, true to one's inner essence, soul and being...the problem is sometimes locating that inner essence, soul and being.

We each are on a journey here on planet earth...that journey can be filled with many different adventures, experiences and things...but most importantly this journey, our individual life, is about living, experiencing, touching, feeling, smelling, tasting, seeing sensing, and making choices every step of the way. Choices about each of the above, choices about how we look, how we spend our money.

These choices then allow us to move forward on our journey, and as we experience the consequences of those choices, we learn, we grow and generally become better people!

Our journey is life therefore be alive and live it with all you've got!

Reflections while observing.......

Lights flashing, music pounding, bodies moving all at one. Such a rhythm evokes pleasure and attraction....one voice...one movement...One sensual evocation of one being.

letting go...

I'm learning to let go...I've let go of many things in my past...that hardest thing I have trouble letting go of is the people I met who demonstrate potential to share a relationship with...I thought I'd dealt with this...I create a hope within myself that it will become something more and when it doesn't happen then I have to let go, let go gracefully and move on...sadly when I've not really ever had any close personal relationships (i.e. boyfriend etc)...now I find myself in my mid 30's creating a beautiful life for myself, a wonderful life to share with someone...I am grateful and thankful for having made it this far...to be transformed and become a better person but I continue to seek more...seek someone to share this road with...someone to spend time with...someone to share many adventures and experiences with...I figure that I will cross paths with this person in time and may there be a linking of two souls and two beings.

I am grateful and thankful for the day that this will occur...I am grateful and thankful for them whoever they maybe... I am grateful and thankful for the many friendships I have with people around me...and I'm grateful for the time that I spend with them.

Here I am!!!

I watched The Devil Wears Prada on the weekend...I hear a small bit of a song during the movie which the words rung true with me...

I'm too shy to show you my vunerable side
I'm too near to make it clear emotional suicide
Is this love I'm thinking of I know that
Close the latch I can't attach I'm sure that

Here I am, I can't give you anything
Here I stand, I can't turn away
Here I am, don't want to cause you pain
Here I stand, alone and on my own again.

So I found the soundtrack for the movie and worked out what the song was called...tonight I actually listened to it all the way through...I found the words ring ring true of me sometimes and well most mear human beings...the truth is...

I have a vulnerable side and it's my choice about whether I show it or not - I choose to show some people and others I don't. I do give everything...sometimes to the wrong things generally to the right things...i don't always turn away when i should...I don't like causing people pain...i generally stand alone and on my own.

but the flip side is...I show you my vulnerable side...it means I trust you and know you won't do me no harm...I give everything to those I trust, love and care for...I don't turn away from those who are close to me...I do sometimes forget to look you up or give you a call or email...but I still care for you and love you...I don't like conflict/pain...if you hurt...I hurt!...As for standing alone...I don't usually stand alone...I stand as a person proud of who I am and the journey I've been on...and excited about the journey ahead...I may venture forth on my own...but I am never alone... I have each of you in my heart and mind...you are near and dear.

So I'm philosophical...I am deep but at the same time shallow and not so transparent...but I do love, care and I'm excited about what the future holds for each and everyone of us

Be excited...be true..be compassionate, patient and kind...most of all be without judgement

first things first

well i recently went on some training for work...it was about leadership and how this relates to my job...there was a recommendation out of this course that i read the book First Things First by Stephen Covey...so anyway i purchased the book courtesy of some money left on a Borders gift voucher given to me for Christmas and Birthday last year. I've been reading it and although i haven't got very far I've come to realise how some parts of the book really ring true and I've taken some of these steps already in my life to become a more effective in both my personal and work life.

This part of the book is talking about balance and synergy amongst the four needs (i.e. Physical; Social; Mental and Spiritual) and how if there is an unmet need it is essential that we acknowledge the other needs and not leave them unmet and just focus on the one need.

I've found this to be so true...up until about 4 years ago I'd just focus on the one need rather than looking at all four needs and keeping them in balance to support each other and build up the need that was lacking in something.

It's not an easy thing to do but I'm learning and growing as I do this.

Well back to my reading...I'm sure there will be more 'ah ah moments'!

another chance...an opportunity

through out our lives we are offered many opportunities to move forward from experiences and challenges that have beset us...sometimes we struggle to see that opportunity/chance and grasp it with both hands and run with it. I know many times my friends and family have offered me opportunities/chances to move forward in my life. I haven't always been the most gracious and thankful person in some of these times or I've been blind to where I'm at and i've thrown it back in there face.

Thankfully over the past six - twelves month of my journey of discovery that I've been on, I've learnt a lot about being more gracious, compassionate and thankful for these things. I've learnt to let go of things that have taunted and hurt me and said sorry to those i've upset, offended or hurt.

After my sister's wedding I was looking at the pictures and wandering who the happy smiling , confident stranger was staring back at me from the some of the photos...then I realised it was me.

I am grateful and thankful for the friends, family and people who I've had the privilege of sharing this journey with and all the encouragement, patience, compassion and gratitude you have shown.

Don't hesitate, take another chance and an opportunity as they present themselves.

no expectations

in a spur of the moment decision I decided to take myself out in my new clothes i bought during my little holiday to Queensland.

I decided when going out this time that there would be no expectations about anything except what I would do...three things...confident smile, be aware and stay in the moment. This I did and well you know I ended up reconnecting with someone from my past as well making a new connection with someone.

This is the me that has been there all along...just hidden away in some dark little corner waiting for the right time to burst out and shine...as chances would have it...it was at this very moment that it happened.

So...where to from here...no expectations...just enjoy the moment and all that it is and has to offer...a date is on the cards though for the week ahead.

the wedding

the excitement has all died down and it's all over....the fancy suits and dresses are in their suits bags waiting to be dry cleaned or returned for use on someone elses special day.

the happy couple are off on their honey moon to a secret locale and the remainder of us recover from the late night as we prepare to return to our every day lives.

It was fun and i smiled beyond belief...I'm happy for both of them...so happy that at times there were tears of joy and as other times tears of rememberance for our dad and how proud he would have been of his family yesterday.

now time moves forward as we continue our journey through life and the adventures and excitement it now brings

seven weeks

Seven weeks since i last got weighed and measured...and well this is what has disappeared...not my best achievement but better than nothing:

• 4cm off my chest
• 5cm off my wasit
• 3.2cm off my hips
• 7.5cm off each of my thighs
• 3cm off each of my arms
• and 2.4 kg over all
  

Yes i'm please and happy...suit fitting this Thursday afternoon...hopefully they have the one i want.

Dreamin' now.....or is it time for reality to set in??

We've only got this time to prove
That together we can make it through
I'll never hide my thoughts from you
You're my deepest blue

If temptation ever came my way
I know the words I'd always say
I'll never hide my love from you
You're my deepest blue

Am I dreaming now
Walking on the moon
And I don't know how to read you baby
Every time I try to move closer....

I hear this song...it takes me back to a moment in time...a moment in time where there was confidence...there was no fear...no holding back...just a surging forward...experiencing, experimenting and trying new and different things...but what happened...it all disappeared over the next four - five years...now i'm slowly rebuilding and becoming a person who doesn't hold back...someone who surges forward and anticipates and gets excited about new and exciting things...there is fear still...and yes there's still some hesitation...and the confidence...it's there hiding waiting to burst out like the monsoon rains after a time of drought.

...Then I soar like a bird in the wind
Oh I glide as I'm flying through heaven.

Me, amore don't you know
my love I want you so
Sugar you make my soul complete
Rapture tastes so sweet...

We journey on and on through life...each on our journey and adventure...striving to be the best we can and achieve our dreams, aspirations...sometimes with little thought...other times with lots of thought. I received this quote today..."Whatever you do, do it with all your might. Work at it, early and late, in season and out of season, not leaving a stone unturned, and neve deferring for a single hour that which can be done just as well now. - P.T. Barnum"

pssst.... 9 more sleeps!

music....the pathway to the soul

So I been thinking and reflecting...I love my music...so much so that I'm really wanting to get into playing the piano...it's one way I can express myself and expose my feelings...emotions and amazingly even what's on my mind.

It's amazing how music can effect how we feel about a situation and even how we react to a situation. It's so much the pathway to the soul to our inner selves.

Music can enhance a romantic moment, bring a tear to your eye, make you smiles and sometimes even laugh.

I say enjoy your music...let it reveal and show your true soul.

crossroads and mistakes

Sometimes in life we are at a crossroads where we don't know which way to turn...we are left with options and we don't know which one to choose...sometimes we should just choose the one that's best for us...but then we feel committed to where we are at and don't want to let that go...but eventually we need to make the decision or in some cases the decision is made for us.

We all make mistakes...sometimes we hang onto those mistakes and don't let go...we can apologise all we like and try to make things us but until we actually let go and leave those mistakes in the past we can't move forward...as someone once told me...it's like trying to drive forward while constantly looking in the rear vision mirror...so we should let those mistakes go and journey on forward...just don't make the same mistake again.

Journey on forward, journey on strong. Keep your eyes ever looking toward your goals, aspirations and what you want to achieve. Always keep your heart mind and soul focussed on these things and they in time will truly become real!

meandering thoughts...i wanted to get these down somewhere

A passing glance...a casual smile...a brief hello and exchange of dialogue...why is it that i smile say hello then look away...i feel embarassed...i laugh and giggle like a child...is it because i wish for more...or is it that i want to explore and get to know...spend more time than just a passing glance, casual smile or brief exchange of dialogue. I'm too shy to ask...too scared to anticipate no for an answer...someday i will find that confidence and ability deep inside of me...here's hoping it's sooner rather than later. Here's hoping you might discover this and then get in touch.

Billy, Parents and the rain....

So last Friday I set off in my lovely Vectra for the three hour drive to Sydney...so off I set with some tunes in the CD player and a full tank of fuel. A few hours later after getting lost twice I finally arrived at the parking station. Walked the two blocks with my Mum down to the lovely apartments at Break Free on George. It was at this time I found out there was some errors with our booking and it had been accidentally cancelled by someone in early May...but God Bless Sandy and the Crew at Traveller's Accommodation who fixed things up in a flash and we were provided with a lovely two bedroom apartment on the 16th floor overlooking George St, the lovely Capitol Theatre and Sydney's Light Rail. Oh and not forgetting the lovely Chocolates, Flowers and card from the Break Free reservations staff.

After an early night Friday night I was up at 6.30am and went for a jog around Darling Harbour through the city, along the fringe of Hyde Park and then back to the hotel. Then it was a rush to get ready and head off through the lovely Sydney traffic to the airport to collect my Aunty and take her, my mum and their friend's Morrie and Judy to the wedding of a Family Friend. I hung around for the church service and was quite amused to discover the intro to Madonna's Confession Tour being played as the recessional...rather interesting.

After this it was a 45minute drive back to the hotel due to the impatient Sydney drivers. I don't get why they need to be first in line every time...just be patient and respect your fellow drivers and things will work out well. After this I had a lovely nap then another drive out to Rockdale to collect my Mum from the wedding.

Saturday evening was the highlight of my weekend...a short stroll across the road to the Capitol Theatre to see Billy Elliot the Musical. Wow!! What a show...I thoroughly enjoyed it and times found it quite emotional to see the encouragement given to Billy as he discovers his true talent and ability. He overcame so many things and developed an amazing amount of confidence as he overcame each obstacle put in his path. This lead me to reflect on the influence and encouragement my parents have had in my life...I'm thankful for all that they've done, their patience, love and care.

Well afterwards I headed to Petersham to catch up with my friend Michael then we headed up to Oxford St for a couple of hours. I must say I had an enjoyable evening and was home in bed by about 3.00 am.

Sunday....was an overcast day...I ended up going to the lovely Chinese Friendship Gardens (pics coming soon)...then back to the hotel for a nap while Mum headed off on the Sydney and Bondi Explorer buses.

Sunday evening we headed down to The Rocks for dinner at Wolfie's Grill...lovely fine dining, beautiful views (despite the rainy weather) then home to watch some Narnia then head to bed ready for the drive back on Monday.

This weekend was tiring yet at the same time relaxing...good to have a couple of extra days off and feel reinvigorated for the future.

Till next time

ps. i love you

...................

my first post

Well here's my first post...decided that with my travels in August 2009 fast approaching it was high time I started getting into the habit of blogging some of my thoughts, adventures and travels.

So what's been happening...well there's been a joyous achievement in my life recently:

• I reached double figures in my weight for the first time in about twenty years...Back in 2002 I was about 160kg...as of Saturday 26 April I was 97kg.

This achievement has had a smile on my face for some time...but with this physical has come the need to change the mental...as one of my closest friends describes it...as Bruce has decreased in size physically, he has grown in his personal development is such extraordinary ways. It's true.

Anyway I will write more detail soon...for now...I must think about sleep... I intend to get up early tomorrow, finish my housework then enjoy the remainder of the day relaxing.